Mother's Day

I have experienced Mother's Day in so many different ways as a woman.

First, as a daughter myself doing my best to honor my mother and show my gratitude for the love she poured into my life. Then as a single woman longing for a home and a family of my own and feeling that it would never happen for me. But that life I longed for did happen and I experienced mother's day as a married woman proud as a peacock at the life that was growing inside of me. The very next year I was a bereaved woman, my heart breaking and my arms aching for two beautiful little girls who spent that day in heaven. And now I sit here on the day before Mother's day with two amazing little boys and I can hardly believe how lucky I am.

But truth be told, this celebration of mothers makes my heart ache a little for the baby girls who I was only able to hold in my belly and never in my arms. I imagine that I can see them, dancing, curls bouncing knowing nothing but happiness and the fullness of Christ. But I still long for them.

Mother's Day has a cruel and funny way of transporting me back to that day not so long ago when I desired with all of my heart for one simple thing to be a mommy but instead having to settle for hope and remembrance. Hope that one day that dream would come true for me even though it seemed highly improbably at the time. And remembrance of a baby dancing in my belly and a heart full of anticipation to meet her.

Now I can somehow twist my losses into something positive because they have allowed me to become truly grateful for every second that I get to mother my little boys. My experience of being a mother is fuller because I look on the faces of my little boys and remember my beautiful little girls. But on mother's day it feels like once again I am slapped in the face with my loss and the loss of the beauty of pregnancy and I am left my face stinging and my heart heavy.

On days like these I long for the day that I no longer I have to peer through a mirror darkly but instead I will see my Savior face to face. I long for the day when I will meet my two beautiful little girls and two missing pieces of my heart will fall back into place. I long for the day when the tears that I cry will fall no more and that I will know perfection and the absence of longing. But now, I hold two babies and mourn the two I cannot hold and long for home.